It doesn't matter where you begin...

I took this picture a week and a half ago.

It was my new, post-partum starting pic.  And then I made the mistake of comparing it to my last few before pregnancy and it triggered a depressed, self-sabotaging binge spiral during which I've gained an additional 4 pounds.

I've really been struggling with wondering why I should even bother.  I *adore* my son, but it's been so frustrating to watch my hard work disappear as I just stand there helpless.  So I've wallowed.  And I'm good at wallowing.  Problem with that, though, is that it's hard to get out sometimes.

On Wednesday I was going through the $1 section at Michael's when I saw a stamp that said "It doesn't matter where, just begin."  I wasn't in a place to just jump on it right away, but I've been letting it percolate.

It doesn't matter that I am no longer where I was before.  It doesn't matter where you begin...just do it.

Just begin.

Negligible weight change, but...

This was February 11

March 23

and April 12

The first two are both 190lbs, the last at 188lbs.  And I just found out I'm pregnant again, so that last one has a little early pregnancy bloat in it.  My body is changing, even though the number on the scale isn't really.  It's good to see.

I think I figured it out...

I ate a TON of vegetables on Saturday.  Between the big plate I ate at the birthday party, and the salade niçoise I made for dinner that night, I can easily see myself eating 5 lbs worth.  No, seriously, I ate a LOT.

And now I weigh less than I did on Friday, so I guess I freaked out over nothing.

5 pounds

I weighed 191 on Saturday.  I weighed 196 on Sunday.  Yes, I fell off the workout wagon, but did pretty good otherwise.  Why would I stay a steady 191 the week I take off, and then GAIN 5 POUNDS when I start up again?

I want to cry, I'm so frustrated.

It's hard to climb back on once you fall off

So, for the past week I found myself obsessing, and really getting depressed about everything.  And I decided to take a break and not think about it for a while, and I fell off.  And it's SO HARD to get back going once you get stuck.

But...tomorrow's not only a new day, but a new month too!  Here we go, up again!

And then frustration sets in.

This is probably the point where I always give up.  I weighed in last Friday at 190lbs.  By Tuesday I was up to 193 and I hadn't really binged or anything.  There wasn't any real cause I could figure for the gain.  Luckily I'm down to 191 again, but I spent the whole week just wanting to cry.

I hate this, I really do.  What's the point in continuing if it stops working?

I finished.

3 weeks ago Husband come home with a copy of EA Sports Active 2 for the Wii for me.  I decided to try it out.  I quit halfway through the workout.  I had the excuses of needing to make dinner (it could have waited another 15 minutes) and I couldn't breathe (kind of a big issue....), but in the end, I quit.

So today I tried a workout of equivalent intensity/duration.  It helps that I remembered I have an inhaler (it had been prescribed because I had a bad cough that looked like it was heading toward pneumonia, but it's useful when my lungs stop working during exercise as well), but that didn't cure everything.  There was a point (about the same moment in the workout, actually) where I had to stop and focus on my breathing and I was really tempted to just stop.  But I didn't.  I gave myself that minute and then I kept going.  There was a lot of chanting "You can do this," and focusing on just one movement and then the next, but I kept going.

And I finished.

Honestly, physically, I feel like crap. My lungs hurt. I can't take a deep breath. My knee is killing me.  And because I used my inhaler, my head hurts.  But, I finished. And the accomplishment I feel is worth feeling like crap right now.