After a 6 month hiatus...

So, earlier this year after a bunch of blood tests, I was diagnosed with a few severely low vitamin/mineral levels, and that was the cause of me severe fatigue.  So I spent the summer taking care of that. Between the allergy shots and the vitamins, I'm feeling a lot better.  I started walking in the mornings after taking my 3 Bigs to school.  Since my last entry I am down 4lbs, but there was some gain-and-lose-again in the middle there.  I'm feeling good though.  My walk this morning was 7 miles, according to my fitness tracker.

Month 2

I struggled this month.  I lost the excitement of the "new thing" and have had a hard time being motivated.  I still managed 1 or 2 workouts a week though, so it wasn't a total loss.  Which is actually progress for me, because usually I quite altogether by this point.  Physically, I am 2lbs lighter than I was a month ago.  Pictures, Feb 25 on the left, Mar 25 on the right.

Well, it's been a month.

A whole month! This has been the most frequently and most consistently I've ever worked out ever.  And I still really don't like it.  But it's working. Left is Jan. 25th, right is Feb. 25th.

It's subtle, but it's there. I am down 9lbs from when I started.  I was going to take measurements today too, but I couldn't find my measuring tape. Which is pretty much the story of my life. lol

Exhaustion is setting in.

I honestly don't know where these mythical endorphins you're supposed to get from exercise are.  I have been really irritable and grumpy lately because I'm just so bone tired.  If I were the person being accused of murder on Legally Blonde, I'd be guilty.  (Exercise gives you endorphins, and endorphins make people happy.  Happy people just don't kill their husbands.)

But I keep slogging on.  I am seeing results.  But I've lost the excitement, so even the results aren't really motivating.  But I keep on swimming.

Thursday makes a month I've been at this.  It's longer than I usually go, and definitely more consistent.  I just hope that eventually those endorphins will kick in and regular exercise will make my energy levels rise.  Until then, I'll just keep on keeping on.

I don't want to make a big deal of it.

My weight I mean.  The number on the scale.  Because when I do, I get fixated, and then when it doesn't continuously go down I kind of go crazy.  Self sabotage. You know, that kind of thing.  So I'm working on just focusing on making time to work out every day and tracking what I eat.  And then if the weight follows, it follows.


But I just have to mention...I have lost 5lbs in the 10 days.  5lbs as of this morning.  Now, my weight bounces around a bit, so I don't know if it won't be up a bit tomorrow, but as of right now, I'm amazed.  The last time I saw this weight was April of last year, and I was sick.  So I am really happy that I am here in a healthy manner.

Small victories.

Invincible

I have been having a pretty good day.  I didn't want to get on that cycle.  I really really really didn't want to.  But I told myself that 1) I couldn't let this be a one-week thing, and 2) I had to finish before I could any of the other stuff I wanted to do.

So I turned on the music, and closed my eyes, and moved my legs.  I didn't want to stare at the display, so I decided I would only look at it at the end of every song.  And since Owen was watching Word World, I didn't feel like staring at that, so I closed my eyes.

I was at 9.8 when the song finished, so I decided that I would just go until the next song finished.

It was about the same amount of time that 10 flat took me last week.  Not only that, but at 6 miles, while I definitely thought about stopping, I didn't feel like I was dying.  I was capable.  I felt tired, but strong.

And then later, I was listening to my Google Play Music playlists, and Kelly Clarkson's Invincible came on.  I've heard the song before, I own the album after all.  But I guess I'd never really listened.  It's now my theme song.

I was running from an empty threat

Of emptiness

I was running from an empty threat

That didn't exist

I was running from an empty threat

Of abandonment

I was running from an empty threat

That didn't exist

But now I am invincible

No, I ain't a scared little girl no more

Yeah, I am invincible

What was I running for

I was hiding from the world

I was so afraid, I felt so unsure

Now I am invincible

And I'm a perfect storm

Dear Body,

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I haven't been good to you.  I'm sorry for all the times that I have thought that you weren't good enough, for all the petty little details I've expressed hate toward, for always wishing to have some other, better body.

I don't need a better body, because you are good.

Because, truthfully, all those things I don't like are a reflection of choices I've made.  Choices of what was easy over what was hard.  Of what was less painful over what was strengthening.  Of what tasted good over what was good.

Even through all of that, you have never failed me.  You have done ever single thing I have ever asked.  Even when it's really really hard.

So thank you, body.  For giving me 5 beautiful babies, as hard as that was for both of us.  For functioning at a good level even when I don't give you the best fuel.  For being strong, and getting stronger.

Please be patient with me as I learn to love you like I should.  Re-learning thought patterns is almost more difficult than starting new habits, but I'm trying.  Because you are good.  And you deserves someone who loves you.

I didn't want to.

I really didn't want to work out today.  But I forced myself into it.  I forced myself to change into workout clothes.

And then I turned on my wii fit and did a body test.  I had done one on April 18th, and it depressed me.  I probably wouldn't have turned it on again for ages if Adrienne hadn't challenged me.  At that point I had set my "goal" to lose 2 lbs in 2 weeks.  You know, pretty unambitious. lol

Anyway, I got on today.  I hadn't worked out again since the 18th until this week.  And the little balance board icon guy informed me I was .2 away from my goal.  Wow!  That should be a cinch by next Monday, right?

And instead of doing 10 miles on the cycle today, I decided to do some zumba instead.

I didn't want to.  I really didn't want to.  But I did.  I'm in the process of teaching myself a new way to think.  I've spent so much of my life avoiding.  Avoiding things that hurt. Avoiding things that are hard.

But being uncomfortable, in pain even, isn't always bad.  And it doesn't have to control me.

To paraphrase Oprah from her weight watchers commercial that plays on hulu, "2016 will be the year of my best me."

Standing up to my demon: an update

So, my son's dentist appointment didn't take as long as I thought this afternoon, so I found myself with some extra time, and I decided to go ahead and try to finish my 10 miles from this morning.  I was fully prepared to stop if my hip started acting up again.  I was also pleasantly surprised to see that the bike still had my 6 miles from this morning in memory.

So it was hard.  It was really really hard.  Harder than the 6 miles from this morning.  Harder than all 10 miles together yesterday.  But I kept at it as long as my hip let me.

Which was at four miles again.  Which was all I needed anyway.

I am so proud of this.  Take that demon! I can do hard things!!

Biggest loser: internal negativity

I have mixed feelings about the show The Biggest Loser.  On one hand I'm inspired by the people and their stories, and on the other hand, it paints a really unrealistic light for actual people living in actual life and how they can lose weight.  I haven't watched the last several seasons after being an avid watcher, but I decided to again, mostly because I was kind of in a showhole and I needed something to watch.


Anyway, start today.  I took my big kids to school and I wanted nothing more than to go right back to bed.  But I didn't.  I decided to get on the exercise bike first off to get it out of the way.  The seat is really uncomfortable and my bum was still really sore from yesterday, but I did it anyway.

Mile 4 I started getting shooting pains through my hip down to my knee, but I could shift position and have it go away.  By mile 6, it was constant, and it was excruciating.  So I stopped.  I didn't want to risk really hurting myself.

And for a while I was okay, but as time went on, I started feeling guilty. I should have powered through.  I was just too weak.  You know, all those negative thoughts that pop up.


So then I was watching the most recent episode of Biggest Loser while making lunch for me and my kids.  There was a part where Bob had all the contestants and they were basically doing a group therapy session.  After talking to a couple people he says "There's a demon inside you, and he's a liar.  He is a liar.  Feeding your head with all those negative thoughts.  It's time to stand up to him."

So I am standing up to my demon.  Today is a victory.

I could have gone back to bed, but instead I chose to work out.  I could have stopped at four miles, but I chose to keep going.

Those are victories.

Let's see what it does to us.

My weight loss journey has been one of endless starts and stops and giving up.  It's frustrating. It's annoying.  But I'm finally beginning to feel like I'm in a groove after Owen's birth (TWO YEARS ago!).  I feel like I have more of a handle on life.

Anyway, a few days ago my sister said to me, "You have an exercise bike, right? I just set mine up.  Let's do 10 miles a day on weekdays and see what it does to us."

Today was day one, but it seems to have been exactly what I needed.  We have two goals: 10 miles a day on the stationery bike, and to track what we eat.  We don't have any weight goals.  We don't have any size goals.  We don't even really have any food goals other than keeping track, because we both tend to eat better when we're tracking it, anyway.

So today is day 1. Again.  But in the end, all the other day 1s don't really matter.  Today, I have done 10 miles on my bike, and tracked everything I've eaten so far.

It can only go up (or down really) from here.