Falling flat on my face

Repeatedly.


That's what it feels like.  Right when I think I have my feet under me again, I'm tripping up again.


This is so, so, so frustrating.

Letting go of your excuses is so, so hard...

...and yet so, so liberating.

I've got 4 kids, days get a little crazy.
I am tired.
I don't have time.
The room I'd be exercising in is the playroom, and often you can't see the floor, so I'd have to clean up before exercising.
Healthy food isn't as easy to just grab as unhealthy food.

So I can't.




I got tired of my internal whining this weekend. I got tired of my own excuses.  I came home from picking up my son from preschool, put my daughter down for a nap and then fed my baby.  The baby likes to be held when he's awake, but I just put him in his swing, scooped all the toys into the bins (instead of spending the time actually organizing them like I like) and told Patrick to stay out from under my feet.  My first grader came home before I was even really started, so I told her to leave me alone too.

I hate exercising when all my kids are home, because they're so distracting, but I did it anyway.

I put the first grader in charge of the baby, who eventually fell asleep, and I did an hour of zumba.  And then had some baby carrots (and a small handful of M&Ms).

After the workout, I feel good.  I feel more in control of my life.

Bring on tomorrow.

It doesn't matter where you begin...

I took this picture a week and a half ago.

It was my new, post-partum starting pic.  And then I made the mistake of comparing it to my last few before pregnancy and it triggered a depressed, self-sabotaging binge spiral during which I've gained an additional 4 pounds.

I've really been struggling with wondering why I should even bother.  I *adore* my son, but it's been so frustrating to watch my hard work disappear as I just stand there helpless.  So I've wallowed.  And I'm good at wallowing.  Problem with that, though, is that it's hard to get out sometimes.

On Wednesday I was going through the $1 section at Michael's when I saw a stamp that said "It doesn't matter where, just begin."  I wasn't in a place to just jump on it right away, but I've been letting it percolate.

It doesn't matter that I am no longer where I was before.  It doesn't matter where you begin...just do it.

Just begin.

Negligible weight change, but...

This was February 11

March 23

and April 12

The first two are both 190lbs, the last at 188lbs.  And I just found out I'm pregnant again, so that last one has a little early pregnancy bloat in it.  My body is changing, even though the number on the scale isn't really.  It's good to see.

I think I figured it out...

I ate a TON of vegetables on Saturday.  Between the big plate I ate at the birthday party, and the salade niçoise I made for dinner that night, I can easily see myself eating 5 lbs worth.  No, seriously, I ate a LOT.

And now I weigh less than I did on Friday, so I guess I freaked out over nothing.

5 pounds

I weighed 191 on Saturday.  I weighed 196 on Sunday.  Yes, I fell off the workout wagon, but did pretty good otherwise.  Why would I stay a steady 191 the week I take off, and then GAIN 5 POUNDS when I start up again?

I want to cry, I'm so frustrated.

It's hard to climb back on once you fall off

So, for the past week I found myself obsessing, and really getting depressed about everything.  And I decided to take a break and not think about it for a while, and I fell off.  And it's SO HARD to get back going once you get stuck.

But...tomorrow's not only a new day, but a new month too!  Here we go, up again!