Standing up to my demon: an update

So, my son's dentist appointment didn't take as long as I thought this afternoon, so I found myself with some extra time, and I decided to go ahead and try to finish my 10 miles from this morning.  I was fully prepared to stop if my hip started acting up again.  I was also pleasantly surprised to see that the bike still had my 6 miles from this morning in memory.

So it was hard.  It was really really hard.  Harder than the 6 miles from this morning.  Harder than all 10 miles together yesterday.  But I kept at it as long as my hip let me.

Which was at four miles again.  Which was all I needed anyway.

I am so proud of this.  Take that demon! I can do hard things!!

Biggest loser: internal negativity

I have mixed feelings about the show The Biggest Loser.  On one hand I'm inspired by the people and their stories, and on the other hand, it paints a really unrealistic light for actual people living in actual life and how they can lose weight.  I haven't watched the last several seasons after being an avid watcher, but I decided to again, mostly because I was kind of in a showhole and I needed something to watch.


Anyway, start today.  I took my big kids to school and I wanted nothing more than to go right back to bed.  But I didn't.  I decided to get on the exercise bike first off to get it out of the way.  The seat is really uncomfortable and my bum was still really sore from yesterday, but I did it anyway.

Mile 4 I started getting shooting pains through my hip down to my knee, but I could shift position and have it go away.  By mile 6, it was constant, and it was excruciating.  So I stopped.  I didn't want to risk really hurting myself.

And for a while I was okay, but as time went on, I started feeling guilty. I should have powered through.  I was just too weak.  You know, all those negative thoughts that pop up.


So then I was watching the most recent episode of Biggest Loser while making lunch for me and my kids.  There was a part where Bob had all the contestants and they were basically doing a group therapy session.  After talking to a couple people he says "There's a demon inside you, and he's a liar.  He is a liar.  Feeding your head with all those negative thoughts.  It's time to stand up to him."

So I am standing up to my demon.  Today is a victory.

I could have gone back to bed, but instead I chose to work out.  I could have stopped at four miles, but I chose to keep going.

Those are victories.

Let's see what it does to us.

My weight loss journey has been one of endless starts and stops and giving up.  It's frustrating. It's annoying.  But I'm finally beginning to feel like I'm in a groove after Owen's birth (TWO YEARS ago!).  I feel like I have more of a handle on life.

Anyway, a few days ago my sister said to me, "You have an exercise bike, right? I just set mine up.  Let's do 10 miles a day on weekdays and see what it does to us."

Today was day one, but it seems to have been exactly what I needed.  We have two goals: 10 miles a day on the stationery bike, and to track what we eat.  We don't have any weight goals.  We don't have any size goals.  We don't even really have any food goals other than keeping track, because we both tend to eat better when we're tracking it, anyway.

So today is day 1. Again.  But in the end, all the other day 1s don't really matter.  Today, I have done 10 miles on my bike, and tracked everything I've eaten so far.

It can only go up (or down really) from here.

Falling flat on my face

Repeatedly.


That's what it feels like.  Right when I think I have my feet under me again, I'm tripping up again.


This is so, so, so frustrating.

Letting go of your excuses is so, so hard...

...and yet so, so liberating.

I've got 4 kids, days get a little crazy.
I am tired.
I don't have time.
The room I'd be exercising in is the playroom, and often you can't see the floor, so I'd have to clean up before exercising.
Healthy food isn't as easy to just grab as unhealthy food.

So I can't.




I got tired of my internal whining this weekend. I got tired of my own excuses.  I came home from picking up my son from preschool, put my daughter down for a nap and then fed my baby.  The baby likes to be held when he's awake, but I just put him in his swing, scooped all the toys into the bins (instead of spending the time actually organizing them like I like) and told Patrick to stay out from under my feet.  My first grader came home before I was even really started, so I told her to leave me alone too.

I hate exercising when all my kids are home, because they're so distracting, but I did it anyway.

I put the first grader in charge of the baby, who eventually fell asleep, and I did an hour of zumba.  And then had some baby carrots (and a small handful of M&Ms).

After the workout, I feel good.  I feel more in control of my life.

Bring on tomorrow.

It doesn't matter where you begin...

I took this picture a week and a half ago.

It was my new, post-partum starting pic.  And then I made the mistake of comparing it to my last few before pregnancy and it triggered a depressed, self-sabotaging binge spiral during which I've gained an additional 4 pounds.

I've really been struggling with wondering why I should even bother.  I *adore* my son, but it's been so frustrating to watch my hard work disappear as I just stand there helpless.  So I've wallowed.  And I'm good at wallowing.  Problem with that, though, is that it's hard to get out sometimes.

On Wednesday I was going through the $1 section at Michael's when I saw a stamp that said "It doesn't matter where, just begin."  I wasn't in a place to just jump on it right away, but I've been letting it percolate.

It doesn't matter that I am no longer where I was before.  It doesn't matter where you begin...just do it.

Just begin.

Negligible weight change, but...

This was February 11

March 23

and April 12

The first two are both 190lbs, the last at 188lbs.  And I just found out I'm pregnant again, so that last one has a little early pregnancy bloat in it.  My body is changing, even though the number on the scale isn't really.  It's good to see.