After a 6 month hiatus...

So, earlier this year after a bunch of blood tests, I was diagnosed with a few severely low vitamin/mineral levels, and that was the cause of me severe fatigue.  So I spent the summer taking care of that. Between the allergy shots and the vitamins, I'm feeling a lot better.  I started walking in the mornings after taking my 3 Bigs to school.  Since my last entry I am down 4lbs, but there was some gain-and-lose-again in the middle there.  I'm feeling good though.  My walk this morning was 7 miles, according to my fitness tracker.

Month 2

I struggled this month.  I lost the excitement of the "new thing" and have had a hard time being motivated.  I still managed 1 or 2 workouts a week though, so it wasn't a total loss.  Which is actually progress for me, because usually I quite altogether by this point.  Physically, I am 2lbs lighter than I was a month ago.  Pictures, Feb 25 on the left, Mar 25 on the right.

Well, it's been a month.

A whole month! This has been the most frequently and most consistently I've ever worked out ever.  And I still really don't like it.  But it's working. Left is Jan. 25th, right is Feb. 25th.

It's subtle, but it's there. I am down 9lbs from when I started.  I was going to take measurements today too, but I couldn't find my measuring tape. Which is pretty much the story of my life. lol

Exhaustion is setting in.

I honestly don't know where these mythical endorphins you're supposed to get from exercise are.  I have been really irritable and grumpy lately because I'm just so bone tired.  If I were the person being accused of murder on Legally Blonde, I'd be guilty.  (Exercise gives you endorphins, and endorphins make people happy.  Happy people just don't kill their husbands.)

But I keep slogging on.  I am seeing results.  But I've lost the excitement, so even the results aren't really motivating.  But I keep on swimming.

Thursday makes a month I've been at this.  It's longer than I usually go, and definitely more consistent.  I just hope that eventually those endorphins will kick in and regular exercise will make my energy levels rise.  Until then, I'll just keep on keeping on.

I don't want to make a big deal of it.

My weight I mean.  The number on the scale.  Because when I do, I get fixated, and then when it doesn't continuously go down I kind of go crazy.  Self sabotage. You know, that kind of thing.  So I'm working on just focusing on making time to work out every day and tracking what I eat.  And then if the weight follows, it follows.


But I just have to mention...I have lost 5lbs in the 10 days.  5lbs as of this morning.  Now, my weight bounces around a bit, so I don't know if it won't be up a bit tomorrow, but as of right now, I'm amazed.  The last time I saw this weight was April of last year, and I was sick.  So I am really happy that I am here in a healthy manner.

Small victories.

Invincible

I have been having a pretty good day.  I didn't want to get on that cycle.  I really really really didn't want to.  But I told myself that 1) I couldn't let this be a one-week thing, and 2) I had to finish before I could any of the other stuff I wanted to do.

So I turned on the music, and closed my eyes, and moved my legs.  I didn't want to stare at the display, so I decided I would only look at it at the end of every song.  And since Owen was watching Word World, I didn't feel like staring at that, so I closed my eyes.

I was at 9.8 when the song finished, so I decided that I would just go until the next song finished.

It was about the same amount of time that 10 flat took me last week.  Not only that, but at 6 miles, while I definitely thought about stopping, I didn't feel like I was dying.  I was capable.  I felt tired, but strong.

And then later, I was listening to my Google Play Music playlists, and Kelly Clarkson's Invincible came on.  I've heard the song before, I own the album after all.  But I guess I'd never really listened.  It's now my theme song.

I was running from an empty threat

Of emptiness

I was running from an empty threat

That didn't exist

I was running from an empty threat

Of abandonment

I was running from an empty threat

That didn't exist

But now I am invincible

No, I ain't a scared little girl no more

Yeah, I am invincible

What was I running for

I was hiding from the world

I was so afraid, I felt so unsure

Now I am invincible

And I'm a perfect storm

Dear Body,

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I haven't been good to you.  I'm sorry for all the times that I have thought that you weren't good enough, for all the petty little details I've expressed hate toward, for always wishing to have some other, better body.

I don't need a better body, because you are good.

Because, truthfully, all those things I don't like are a reflection of choices I've made.  Choices of what was easy over what was hard.  Of what was less painful over what was strengthening.  Of what tasted good over what was good.

Even through all of that, you have never failed me.  You have done ever single thing I have ever asked.  Even when it's really really hard.

So thank you, body.  For giving me 5 beautiful babies, as hard as that was for both of us.  For functioning at a good level even when I don't give you the best fuel.  For being strong, and getting stronger.

Please be patient with me as I learn to love you like I should.  Re-learning thought patterns is almost more difficult than starting new habits, but I'm trying.  Because you are good.  And you deserves someone who loves you.